STABILISE

Disclaimer: It is important to note that STABILISE is a work in progress operated by an educated woman with lived experience with bipolar disorder and computer scientists interested in improving access to practical knowledge, medical professionals, and crisis responders. We are building a mobile application that is designed to track moods and analyse text so help can be provided sooner. For medical advice, please consult your family doctor or a trusted health care practitioner. If you believe you are in need of immediate medical assistance and live in North America, call 911. Otherwise, please reach out to the Lifeline at 988 (by phone or text).

Tag: healing

  • On Embodiment of Self

    On Embodiment of Self

    When I use the term embodiment, I am referring to the process in which an individual returns to and inhabits their body. It could be interpreted as grounding in the sense that it symbolizes the process in which a person recognizes their physical presence in the world.

    It is a vivid internal awareness of one’s body inhabiting time and space.

    I go for periods at a time feeling disconnected from my earthly body. It’s often caused by slipping away from a routine, overstimulation through consumption of information, and allowing myself to be paralyzed by various insecurities.

    I’m going to be honest:

    The digital world, at least social media, does not come easy for me.

    I often live inside my head. Philosophy is quite cerebral, as is reading, psychology, mental health, and so on and so forth. It takes a lot for me to venture out of the safety net of my brain’s capacity to store information.

    It takes a lot for me to approach my body.

    I don’t mean physical exercise in the form of cardio and lifting weights. I mean, mirror work. I’ve struggled with my reflection for as long as I can remember. I used to turn away from every mirror I could, electing to memorize the curves of my body and face so I didn’t have to look at them.

    I still do that sometimes, but this week, something different happened. I was recording a video with my supervisor for a business venture. Given the serious nature of our work, I took the time to observe myself speak and move and look directly into the camera.

    As it turns out, I am not a mutant spaceship alien, and if I am, I give the impression of appearing human very well.

    I went home. I cooked. I stepped into my studio office space, set up my phone, and took one video after another of myself talking. I watched the way my eyes move, floating from here to there as I located the words that fit the meaning of what I was trying to say.

    It was humbling and beautiful to see my imperfect self growing more comfortable as time went on. I noticed the curve of my neck, the place where my glasses settle, how I tend to smile from one corner of my mouth.

    It was a powerful experience and a lesson on what it means to seek embodiment.

  • On Grief and Grieving

    On Grief and Grieving

    I began reading The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor who writes,

    “Grieving, or learning to live a meaningful life without our loved one, is ultimately a type of learning. Because learning is something we do our whole lives, seeing grieving as a type of learning may make it feel more familiar and understandable and give us the patience to allow this remarkable process time to unfold.”

    She makes a distinction between grief and grieving. Grief is the pain of memory, the flash of insight that our loved one has passed. Grieving is the process of learning how to live with the loss of our loved one.

    It is fascinating how she compares grieving to learning because it encourages the one who experiences grief to adopt coping mechanisms that allow one to live a whole-hearted life.

    For the past week, I have been remembering how it felt to write when I was young. There was an unencumbered bliss. A significant part of that was reading books and learning how language can be used to create worlds and express ideas.

    I mention writing because it is one of my coping mechanisms, as well as a significant component of the app we are building. Today was the first day I was able to test the app. There are bugs, of course — that was to be expected.

    What I didn’t anticipate was the pervasive sense of loss. I suppose I expected building something out of nothing to feel different, like an incredible accomplishment. I have been thinking about this app for a long time. There is no doubt that it is incredible and beautiful and will be an interesting experience for its users.

    But tomorrow is the second anniversary of my mother’s passing and I wish I could tell her about the development of STABILISE and how I’m applying to grad school and I really did end up studying Levinas on a daily basis.

    It reminds me of that famous line from Into the Wild:

    “Happiness: only real when shared.”

    What happens when one of the people you want to share your life with is dead?

    Yes, I am self-pitying, but what if that is also growth? What if learning how to accept her passing is what allows me to proceed full force ahead for my own sake? What if death teaches us gratitude for the time we had, how to cope with loss, and live into our highest selves anyway?

  • On the Mother Wound

    I am reading a book written by Monika Carless called, Transforming the Mother Wound. Near the beginning, she writes that “self-healing or assisted healing consists of several steps,” one of which is “creating safe space to explore the trauma” (Carless, 10).

    I have been thinking about grief and the desire to disappear from people’s lives. When I was growing up, there were instances when my mother and I would get into disagreements and she would ask me if I wanted her to disappear.

    It is an intense and impactful question that is augmented by the fact that her physical frame has indeed disappeared through death.

    I appreciate John Locke’s popularized notion of tabula rasa, a Latin phrase for blank slate. Locke himself was one of the three great empiricists, a philosophical framework that posits sensory experience as our primary mode of acquiring information and knowledge about the world.

    When I was young, I learned that disappearing is an option. I learned how to ghost and leave people’s lives without a second glance. And yet, it is only now that I feel a strong urge to reprogram my way of thinking.

    The neuroplasticity of our brains means that this is possible. It is one thing to form a habit, another to pay attention to the moment when you are presented with the opportunity to choose a different action. It requires self-awareness, discipline, focus, and a willingness to change.

    Hard emotions demand brevity. I am learning how to stand still in the face of them. I am learning how to trust myself enough to know that even if the ground may shift beneath my feet, I will be okay. I am developing inner fortitude and the realization of control that I have over my own character.

    In this place here, I am learning how to take Carless’ advice and carve a space where I can explore what moves me. I have also started writing by hand in a beautiful journal that was gifted to me.

    My journey is the process of becoming.